Qualms
by Edena
Summary: Set a few years after the movie. Upham is reflecting.


Windswept plains surround me. Streaks of orange and periwinkle linger on the horizon as the morning sun slowly begins it's venture across the late autumn sky. Dewdrops cling to the blades of grass as I walk slowly towards emptiness. Memories flood my mind and I am forced to kneel down as streams of tears burst from my eyes. I never asked for the glory of a war hero. I never wanted to go into battle. And for what was this all worth? The death of the captain? Half of our battalion dead? Just for the life of one. All I was told to do was make maps and translate. Not shoot a gun. Not kill. Not regret. I lay down on the damp ground and close my eyes.

I remember the day Captain Miller came to get me…

__

"I'm looking for an Upham." he said. I was confused, but all the same I stood right up. "Corporal Timothy E. Upham?" he asked. "I'm Upham." I answered, wondering what he wanted with me. "I understand you speak French and German." he stated. Of course, I thought, I was one of the few that could speak those languages. That's why he wanted me. But my loyalty was to my troops. And furthermore, I've never been in combat. "Yes, sir" "How's your accent?" he asked. "Uh, just a slight on in French. But my German's clean." I answered. "Very good. You're being reassigned to me, grab your gear. We're going to a place called Newville." the Captain told me. Confused, I quickly grabbed my bag, and was about to pick up my helmet when a frightening thought struck me. "Uh, sir. Sir, there are Germans in Newville." I told him. "I understand that Corporal." "Uh, ha, there are a lot of Germans in Newville." I tried again. "You have a problem with that?" he asked, as he looked up from the map he was engrossed in. "No, it's just if you consider I've never been in combat, sir. I make maps and I translate. That's…" I explained to him, at the end making a motion that meant that's all. I hoped he would buy it. He looked at me again. "I need someone who speaks French and German." "Yes, sir" "My two guys were killed." "Yes, sir. It's just that I've never handled a weapon since basic training, sir." I argued. My stomach was starting to jump around, and I really didn't want to go. "Did you fire that weapon in basic training?" he asked. "Yes, sir." I sighed. He won and he knew it. I'll just do the best I can. He then concluded, "Well then get your gear."

I turned my head to the side and let out a heavy sigh. A breeze softly blew the blades around me as well as my hair. I then looked up at the sky. Small wisps of clouds were beginning to appear against a pale blue background. I can't keep my friends out of my head. Caparzo, Mellish, Jackson, Wade, as well as everyone else. They were unpleasant to me at first, but as times slowly got more emotional, we all bonded together. Then, just like a flower withers and dies unexpectedly, Caparzo was taken away from us. He didn't even get to send his letter. I can't imagine not contacting my parents before my death. All of a sudden, a ladybug lands on my hand. How symbolic. Just like that ladybug, I was in the hand of Miller. Never knowing what was going to happen. If he was going to close that hand, or just flick me away. Always scared of something new. The bonds of brotherhood I told my comrades about and finally shared with them will always be in my heart, no matter what happens. I am captured by another flood of tears, but this time I let them come. I accept them instead of shut them out. I then hear the sounds of gunshots and the dying sounds of a duck. I flinch, remembering the time I saw Wade die up close…

__

The front three runners took off, shooting at the enemy. My heat pounded as I followed behind, looking for a suitable place to hide. I looked to my left and saw the carcass of a cow. I dove behind it. Trying to see everyone through the smoke of gunfire wasn't exactly easy, so I pulled out my little telescope. I could see my battalion and the Germans exchanging bullets and grenades. It was like watching a movie, and you want to scream at the characters, only this was really happening, and I could barely see anything. One hit close to where I was. Terrified for my life, I jumped back, but quickly recovered and continued to peer over the dead cow. All firing ceased. Mixed feelings swam around from my brain to my heart. I had always been scared just thinking about war, but now I was truly experiencing it. And I didn't like it one bit. Suddenly I heard the captain yell to me, "Upham, grab the gear!" I quickly grabbed the bags and tried not to trip as I hurried to the group. Finally as I reached them, I saw that they were all huddled over Wade. "Upham, give me your canteen." some one said, I don't know whom because my eyes were locked on Wades injuries. Never before had I seen such bleeding. I wanted to cry for Wade. I passed them the canteen and watched the numerous holes in Wade's chest bleed. They then turned him over and informed us of an acorn sized hole in the small of his back. My heart went out for him, even though I knew he would die soon. "Tell us how to fix you." I said after many failed attempts to subdue his bleeding. I just stood there, unable to help as he died. I wanted to puke and burst out crying at the same time.

I stand up, and brush off the grass that clung to my pants and shirt. I use my arm to wipe away any un-dried tears. Again I slowly begin walking into a void, both physically and mentally. Pictures continue to pour themselves into my mind. Unable to escape them, I finally see and relive what they are. They are memories of the battle on that damn bridge we just had to help baby-sit. My first real battle was there. My first as well as last…

__

I tried and tried again to get the nerve to go to Mellish. When I finally had the courage, I ran across the street and started towards the stairs. Suddenly, I heard a tank, and quickly hid behind a wall as a bunch of German soldiers came shockingly close to me. I held my breath and waited until they passed. It was all I could do to not cry. They finally did pass, but two of them decided to go up the stairs. I really had to do something. After about 5 minutes, I heard a struggle and screams. I had to help them. Mustering up all my courage, I made my way halfway up the stairs. But then, the struggle stopped. I realized one or possibly two of them were dead. Collapsing onto the stairs, I tried again to gain the courage to fire my gun, but tears overcame me instead. I looked up and there stood a German. Afraid he would hurt me, I took my hand away from the gun. He slowly came down the stairs, and I held my breath and prayed for life. He brushed by my, sparing my life, but not Mellish's. I couldn't take it. I broke right then, crying because I lost one of my friends and it was all my fault. I wanted to go home. I needed someone. Finally someone grabbed me and dragged me off, but I couldn't tell who it was through my tears. I hid again behind a dirt pile, but a bunch of German soldiers came and were practically on top of me. I held my breath yet again and struggled for more nerve. After a while of debate in my mind, backup came in the forms of airplanes. Shocked and relieved at the sight, it gave me whatever it was I needed. I jumped out and pointed my gun at them. Hoping they would listen I told them to drop their guns; and they did. One of them was the one who killed Mellish. I made a wild decision in my mind right then. "Upham." he said to me, hoping I would give in. I shot him. Then I saw the captain laying there, dead. I felt like I was wounded myself as he sat there bleeding. A part of me died that day.

I will continue to walk until I find my peace. Perhaps it is accepting that I lost my loved ones. Or that I wasn't meant for war in the first place. Maybe I have to accept that I did what I did and move on. For now, I will just remember. I will walk. I will regret. 


End file.
